Relationship & ties/lies

i don't know what's up with the title and maybe there's a link. maybe not.

up until now at this point in my life, there's nothing i want more than to clean up all the mess and loose ends (sounds like murder) and start from a clean slate. (now that seriously sounds like murder.)

i did not kill anyone la.

guess i just need to rant. i pulled myself out of a 2-year relationship. it was a struggle for me to make a decision but i had to put my foot down and told myself it would do us both good. he said he would wait for me until i'm ready to start afresh. i didn't have the heart to say i won't turn back, after i heartlessly said i wanted out of the relationship.

i read a post on facebook yesterday, something about finding a man who would tell you you're 'beautiful' instead of 'hot', one who would watch you sleep etc etc, the mushy works. and she had like, i think 6 'likes' for that post. i couldn't resist - i commented "untrue. because if you don't the guy, everything else doesn't matter."

i know how cynical i must have sounded to a lot of people. some might say it's because i'm going through a break up. i won't say i don't feel anything about this break up, but i'm not depressed or suicidal or anything like that. in fact, i would support what i commented above because that's exactly how i feel at the moment.

yes, i want a guy who tells me i am beautiful and who would watch me sleep. but that is IF that guy is someone i like, or have feelings for. i found the guy who is almost the guy every girl wants, but unfortunately we've lost the spark. and as i'm typing this out, i'm feeling the loss but i don't regret. because i've experienced it, and now i know for sure what i want. it's just not written in the fates for us.

having said that, he's trying to act like we can still be friends and hang out. personally i think we need a window period. if you keep asking me out every weekend, then what difference does it make whether we're together or not? i need the space to find myself again. to connect with my other friends. to search for what is it i should be doing with my life. a relationship is not something i should have right now when i cannot even find a purpose in my life.

so i'm gonna remove the status thing on facebook. i know, it might be something stupid but it feels like a symbol of sorts. i was gonna remove the 'in a relationship' status a few days ago, and facebook gave me a 'Your relationship with xxx will be canceled upon saving.' my heart suffered a slight tug, and i cancelled the action. such a coward, i know.

and i just did it, 2 seconds ago before i typed this. my relationship is officially 'cancelled'. no, i don't feel liberated. on the contrary i don't know if i'm doing the right thing by ending what seemed to be an okay relationship.

i can only hope i did, and that what will be, will be.

right now, i just need to focus on my life.